2 posts tagged “shopping”

Recently, I was at my neighborhood Brookstone store, perusing their nonsense, when the only thing there worth buying, the massage chairs, caught my eye. I sauntered as only an Admiral could, and chose a model I had never before tested.

"Tested," that is, because most folks aren't testing those things, they're there for a free 15 minute massage. Say it: massage, but with a British accent. "MA-ssage." That's better. This chair had medical written all over it. Maybe that meant it was good for you.

I ran it through its paces for a 15 minute trial. Set the puppy on automatic. It was fully loaded, baby, it had leg squeezers and shiatsu, and it likely could also double the bulk of bread dough if you could figure where to squeeze that in. The remote turned me off, but it was large and harbored a copious amount of buttons for pushing.

None of the buttons responds when you're in automatic. It (the chair), has full control.

So, there we go, a little shaking, squeezing, and those rollers going up and down my back.

Lower, and lower...

YOWSA! My goose is being warmed.... no COOKED!

This thing was all over my ass like Heidi's pinching fingers in high school. LIke T's slap-happy hand, it was goosing me good, an intense, massaging roll ass up, ass down, all ass, all around.

Imagine, your puritanical Admiral, sitting there with perced lips, then all of a sudden, the chair was getting dirty.

Yowsa, indeed, my friends. I regained composure as the rollers moved northward, and looked around the environs of the store. This dirty chair--did anyone know what just happened? I suspect the store clerks knew, they'd likely labeled this chair the one that gets "ass happy."

Whoa, there it goes again, down under, this time with a rotating, kneading action. Whoa, indeed. I sat there, half in pleasure, half ashamed it felt so good.

This chair was a winner, hands-down. It just made me feel a little dirty in a public place. Be forewarned: not all chairs are pure and innocent.

At a store today, while holiday shopping, I overheard a store clerk talking about his focus is on "customer service," but then delivered poor customer service to me. Maybe I wasn't buying as much. But once he started my transaction, his focus got diverted to another customer being helped by another salesman.

He asked me later to go to their website, and take the survey on him and the service today. "I will," I said in a menacing tone. It wasn't that he was mean or inconsiderate. But, as the customer, I want to feel I have your attention for the full 5 minutes it takes to make a purchase.

At another, similiar retailer, the experience was much more professional.

At yet another, the Apple Store, they seemingly have tried to organize the store for holiday shopping, but it's too small. Or too popular. iPods stacked up here, MacBooks, over there. While I think their ability now to check you out anywhere in the store with their wireless-PDAs is cool, I think it is also a tad impersonal.

"I want an iPod."

"Here. Gimme your credit card, others are waiting."

"E-mail or printed receipt?"

It's all very fast, but I also felt like they were trying to get my money as quickly as possible, then send me out, too. Efficiency isn't always the best ingredient, perhaps, for superior customer service.