4 posts tagged “gripes”

Damn it all.

the other day i bought some ice cream. or so I thought.

I knew that some labels were GOLD, and others SILVER. I just scooped out some cookies & cream ice cream, only to discover, the box really reads: YOGURT.

I bought frozen yogurt instead? What the hell! I feel cheated.

I know, it might be healthier for me, but shit, I want some real ice cream. Compared to HaggenDazs, this stuff is lightweight. Where's the fat content?

Granted, the oreo part is good. Yum. But I don't like frozen yogurt. I'm an ass for not better reading the package. And I bought a super-sized tub, too.

Reminds me of that Seinfeld episode... at least their "frozen yogurt" was good tasting.

http://www.udfinc.com/homemade%5Fbrand/

So, get this! I am away on very important business for several days, out of the office. Yesterday afternoon, upon arriving, I find some rather telling evidence that suggests my office was used without my permission when I was gone.

In fact, it is likely they used my computer. What evidence do I have?

Digustingly, I found skin flakes on my keyboard, around my keyboard, and on my black leather chair. With the finesse of a CSI agent (from the hit CBS Show, CSI), I picked up the skin fragments with tweasers, holding them up to the light. They were indeed light and transparent, but nonetheless, they were there!

I mean, ask me for my permission, sure. But just invade, and leave behind your flakey, virus-infested dead skin? Over the top! You've got the cajones! I mean, sure, I can sweep-off my chair, and I can wash-down my desk surface with a bleached handiwipe. But how can I get your germs out from between the keys in my keyboard?

Meanwhile, in a meeting, I saw lotion being passed around. A good idea that has come too late.

Recently a colleague at work endured a suntan. Hello? Have you heard of sun screen? There is no excuse, barring being stranded in a desert without transportation, for someone to become sunburned. It's not like it's instant. It takes time!

So, there she is, now, days later, shedding skin off her nose, and now... how gross... off her arms. Being cold blooded, she's shivering in air conditioning, brushing her arms up and down, and in repose, comes the bounty of lepers, her peeling skin. It's like snow. But it's human skin. Skin is an organ. And she's shedding it all over the place.

You might not care. But to some, no doubt, it's gross.

Hell, I'm breathing in this stuff. I'm breathing in her skin. Yew. Her organ... at least part of her dead skin... like fried chicken skin... who wants to inhale that?

Is that legal? To make people inhale your dead skin cells? If it has her DNA inside, its likely to have viruses, too. Nose viruses. My nose is all stuffy now. It's the dead skin viruses, for sure. In fact, I was feeling great until I saw her skin shower, and saw those little flakes rushing towards my nostrils... being pulled in against anyone's will. Just going up the nose. I snorted some out, but it was no use... I hadn't been prepared with some sort of SARS mask.

I think all skin issues should be banned at work. No lotioning up, no moisturization. Some girls do that. Putting on their strawberry sweetheart lotions... lathering up in that... and it stinks. No lotion maker puts good scent into a lotion. You either smell fruity or like grandma Jones. Maybe you'd like to see a girl rub that lotion up and down her silky legs at the conference room table, but there's nothing sexy about Suave lotion in a bottle.

Once I saw this guy picking at a sore on his arm. Oh, like it was the death of him... picking, scratching.. soon he had a good bloody mess on his hands, and under his nails... he finally smiled, like some milestone had been reached. Then the next day, he was scratching again... picking at it... squeezing out whatever he could. Like a giant arm wart and zit all mixed into one. Three days later, I saw him again, and now it was oozing yellowish puss. He claimed it hurt. No doubt, it was infected with whatever dirty germ had been under his nails. The ass.

Worse was the girl who had this huge wartzit on her neck. That's worse. She sat in the meeting, with it glowing all red and shit. Pick, pick, pick. It started to bleed. She came back looking like a guy who had a shaving accident... with tissue stuck to it... on her neck. Gross.

Then there was the guy who I caught trimming his nails at the lunch room table. He smiled, and quartered-up all the trimmings, and threw them away. He left. On the table was some kind of nail dust. I could detect it wasn't clean.

So, I have a thing for skin. Is it ever right to put on makeup in public? That's covering up your skin. I say no. Makeup is for the bathroom. Speaking of the bathroom, I once walked in and some guy on the can is talking to another at the urinal. About what? How itchy his ass was. "Maybe there's something on the seat..." And the other guy said, "No, it was itchy before I sat down here... ahhh.. man!"

That's gross. It's all about skin, too.

So, seeing my friend had this snowy skin problem, what was she to do, seeing she already had the tan and the burn?

* Rub lotion on the skin at work, to keep it hydrated. No. Involves lotion.
* Long sleeves. Ok, but the day before she was itching like a dog with fleas with the peeling skin on her legs. Hmm.
* Witch hazel application before coming to work. Hmm..
* Defoliation outside during lunch break. Now you're talking!

So the moral is... itch and scratch and pick and defoliate out of sight, out of harm. Follow up with a witch hazel spritz, and maybe a little antibacterial spray just to keep those dead-skin viruses at bay.

(Just for the record, I know that stuff isn't terribly effective at viruses. And no, I don't actually have such a problem with the peeling skin. But she's likely to expect me to write about this, and so I did. If I find it on my keyboard, though, she's gonna get it.)

As worthless as:

• Diet7Up
  
• blunt thumtacks
• a flower without water
• a grated cheese dispense with no holes
• a laser printer without any semblance of toner
• a bell's ding without its dong
  
• a compass with no magnet
• diapers without a baby
• a bike with no chain
• a car with no gas
• PMS