Channel 6

How odd it was to get a call from my father the other day. At 9:50 PM at night, no less.

"Has mom died?"

"What?!"

"You're calling me. Has mom died? Is she sick?"

"No."

"Oh."

Awkward silence.

"Hey, listen, turn on channel 6... there's a good jazz program about to start I think you'll like."

Hmm. Certainly my dad isn't referring to the "Golf" channel.

"Dad, that won't work. Channel numbers are different here."

"What? No, just turn to Channel 6."

"I won't. What channel are you watching?"

"6!"

"That's not helping me. That's the GOLF CHANNEL here. What channel are you watching?"

"God damnit, I don't know. [Pause]. It's the channel that has concerts and stuff on at night."

I looked up at the ceiling, perhaps, looking for guidance from God. But my dad just damned him, so there would be none of that.

"Are talking... Bravo, Ovation, PBS???"

"WXYZ something!" he shouted.

"OK, dad. That's a local channel there in Florida. I don't have that here. I'm sorry."

"It's the god-damned channel that they ask you for money on.. you know... give us money, yadda, yadda."

Yadda, yadda. My dad loved Seinfeld.

"Ok, that sounds like PBS. PBS?"

"I don't know, come on... help me out here."

Help you? So I turn to our two PBS channels while still on the phone.

"Ok, on one channel they have a news program, and on another, an exposé on Rumsfeld.

"No no, look for the one with the jazz concert."

Knowing I couldn't, I just sat there on the line.... empty... silence. It grew uncomfortable after a minute.

"Ok then, I'll let you watch the program... nice pictures of the new car mom sent, by the way."

This started a long conversation about his new car, where he somehow revealed he would have preferred the Lexus, even though he had 10 reasons why the Cadillac he bought was superior.

"They even have this ON STAR to unlock the doors if you leave your keys inside."

"Oh, that's great. Have you EVER locked your keys inside the car, Dad?"

Pause. "No."

"Okay, then... "

"But the Lexus doesn't have that, haha..."

I paused myself. "Yes, dad, but the Lexus has an intelligent key that prevents locking the door when the key is inside."

Another pause.

"Bye," he said, and that was that.